The Struggle for Closeness and Safety

Laurie and Mel (not their real names) recently passed the 3 year milestone in their relationship. They love each other, but being two different people it is sometimes a struggle to understand and relate to each other. Because their struggle is similar to many others, I want to share it with you.

Throughout the course of Laurie and Mels relationship they have had the same tug-of-war. It is a recurring theme. Each year their relationship gets better, but they have their setbacks and their battles as well.

What Mel wants most is emotional closeness: talking, cuddling, sex. Laurie has been hurt by prior relationships and mainly wants safety. She doesnt want to be hurt again, so she keeps her distance - not all the time, of course, but more than Mel would like.

My friend and mentor Dr. Harold Bessell taught me about this phenomenon. He calls it the moth and the flame. The moth is attracted to the flame, but if it gets too close it will get burned, so it backs away. Closer-farther-closer-farther: it is a circling dance of love/fear.

People are the same way. They want the closeness of a love relationship, but they have been burned before so they only give part of themselves. If they give too much, they expect to be hurt again (and often are).

How do Mel and Laurie deal with this? He accepts her degree of distance as long as she gradually moves closer. She accepts his desire for closeness as long as he respects her current degree of distance. He is the gravity, she is the centrifugal force.

Why do they bother with these differences and difficulties? The answer is simple: there is a very high level of romantic attraction. In addition, Mel is very mature emotionally, which helps him to deal with the situation (though he also experiences the moth and flame pressures).

In prior articles we have discussed the fact that romantic chemistry and emotional maturity are the key ingredients in any love relationship, and that these come in degrees, and that they are usually unbalanced. In the case of Mel and Laurie, heres what we have:

Mels Chemistry for Laurie: 90%
Lauries Chemistry for Mel: 90%
Mels Emotional Maturity: 80%
Lauries Emotional Maturity: 60%

Although Mels maturity at 80% helps to hold the relationship together, it is the high chemistry (90%) that causes the moth and flame phenomenon. Chemistry is both the source of magnetic attraction and the cause of fear. Neither Mel nor Laurie is immune to this two-edged sword. Mel is able to handle it better, mainly by moving very slowly. Laurie, being less mature, tends to be impulsive, and then runs for cover.

While Mel and Lauries relationship is not perfect, it has the potential to be outstanding if they work at it: emotional maturity is a learned skill, so it can increase. This relationship also has the potential to fail if they ever give up the struggle. Many people do give up just at the point of success, and thats a shame.

Is it worth the struggle? Some would say No, Mel should find someone with less fear. But Mel knows that 60% is normal adult maturity and finding the same level of romantic chemistry that he feels with Laurie, plus higher emotional maturity, is not easy to do. Therefore he continues to enjoy what they have, works to make it better, and sees his glass as 60% full, not 40% empty.

Meanwhile the moth continues circling the flame, ever closer, inch by scary inch, until hopefully one day they will go up in smoke together. It is the gradual letting down of barriers, letting another person inside ones walls, that ultimately leads to fulfillment in a high chemistry love relationship. It is not easy, but it is worth it.