I suspect most folks do not like to argue. I know, some people are really good at it, and some people seem to enjoy conflict. But the vast majority of us would rather not fight with the ones we love.

I am the type of person who wants to stick with a fight/argument/disagreement (pick your favorite term) until it is settled. I think if I keep after it, my logic and desires will surely prevail.

So I was very interested to learn about some research on arguing from The Gottman Institute in Seattle. In case you don't know the Institute, or its founder John Gottman, it is a research center focused on couples and the ways they interact. The Gottman Institute has an apartment set up with microphones and cameras, where couples stay for the weekend. While they are there, their actions and interactions are recorded, then studied.

When people argue, they get anxious or upset, and their heart rate increases. The Gottman researchers found that if your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you cannot think flexibly, negotiate, or solve problems very well. So they suggest that couples take a break from each other and the issue - say 15 minutes or so - and come back together at a designated time to resolve the issue. This break allows your heart rate to go down and makes resolving problems easier. Couples that practice this "time out" technique have more successful resolutions.

So... folks like me who want to stick with the disagreement until it is worked out are actually being counter-productive. We need to step away, take a walk, water the plants, do the dishes, whatever works. Then, at an agreed time, come back together to work on the problem.

2006 Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC - All Rights Reserved Worldwide