Do you belong to the Ill be happy when brigade? Are you, and those around you, constantly looking to some future event, or change in circumstances, for your own happiness? And if so, do you realise how damaging to your long term mental health this kind of comment can be? Listen to yourself for a day and make a note of the times you say in conversation, Ill be happy when or something similar. Suppose you come up with a list something like: Ill be happy when the kids are in full time education. Id just be happy if hed stop smoking Ill be glad when Ive found another job, or Id be happy if I could lose 20lb. These are common enough statements and ones that on the face of it seem harmless, conveying anticipation of a better emotional state soon to be enjoyed. But look at the implications; all of these statements are subconsciously conveyed simultaneously: Im miserable because I dont like my life circumstances My happiness depends on those circumstances changing. In each case, you are subconsciously programming yourself, NOT to be happy, until those conditions are met. So if your kids are two years away from full time education, youre telling your subconscious to make you miserable for the next two years. Similarly, youre telling yourself to be miserable until youve found another job, until your partner stops smoking, or until you lose 20lb. Add to this the fact that these kinds of comments actually decrease your chances of finding another job or losing 20lb, and that you have no control over another persons decision to quit a destructive habit, and you have a recipe for disaster. Why? because if you are giving yourself instructions to be miserable until you find another job, you are going to perform at less than your best at interview. If you are telling yourself to be miserable until you reach your target weight, your chances of comfort eating and lounging around the house are going to be higher than your chances of eating healthily and exercising daily. And if youre telling yourself Id be happy if I could, youre silently telling yourself that you dont believe you can! But worst of all, if you pin your hopes of happiness on someone else conforming to your standards, you are handing over responsibility for your mental health to another human being, and that can never be good. So next time you catch yourself starting a sentence, Ill be happy when stop and think. Do you really want to be miserable that long? Try re-phrasing that to: Im looking forward to the kids entering full time education Hed be healthier if he stopped smoking, Im looking for another job, or Im fast approaching my target weight. Happiness is a choice, not a mood. It does not depend on external circumstances, or events, and need not only be felt when some invisible checklist is complete. If you want to experience higher levels of happiness, give yourself permission to be happy with things as they are first. You might want to change things in your life, and Im not suggesting that you shouldnt. But dont make your happiness contingent on those changes; make it something you own outright. |
