At last the authorities have signed the necessary papers and the design firm of Feng Fu-Kung Shui can move forward with its monumental effort to bring Kung Fu to its room arrangements and Feng Shui to its sweaty mats at the dojo. The new art will be known formally as Feng Fu-Kung Shui-do.

Even The Great Mudge Poobah has approved, which is rather incidental since he is not Chinese. But he is welcome anyway as long as he comes alone.

There will be no IPO for at least seven years but private investors who have mastered either art are encouraged to discuss business.

Features of the new system include the Chrysanthemum Punch, the South-East Facing Pussy-Willow Slap and the Flip-Over-Toe-Hold Weisenheimer Gelatin Surprise. Mats, as you might well expect, will all be placed diagonally with an easy view of the doorway.

Uniforms and headbands will feature an indecipherable symbol created by Von Dutch in his next incarnation after a successful lifetime striping hogs. The silk-screening will be done individually by eleven virgins of the Eternal Realm of the Elegant Moonpie. In silence, of course. With nunchucks holstered.

All corners and angles of the dojo will be swept of gremlins, dragons and dust-bunnies. Opening night will take place on the inverted solstice of the eleventh moon of the nocturnal transmission of The August Fire Dog. Guests will be asked to remove their shoes and garters at the door.

Wood, fire, earth, metal and water will be served at 7 p.m. followed by an impromptu dragon wiggle. Children and dogs permitted, but no Irish. If you would like to receive our weekly newsletter, please sign up at the door. Donations welcome.

Peace.